Takers vs. Givers

"Something is wrong when our lives make sense to believers"

-Francis Chan

More often than not, I think my life makes sense. 

Noah built an ark for God.

Moses lead a nation out of Israel.

God's disciples dropped everything they owned to follow Him.

Heck, Abraham was willing to sacrifice his own son, Isaac, when God commanded him!

Then there's me :)

I complained yesterday about the drive back to Austin.

I complained about my four hour chemistry lab.

I dramatically sprawled out on my bed in exhaustion when I got home.

I ate an awesome dinner that put me to sleep early.

^yes. This was my day.

No sacrifice, what so ever, to be found.

Maybe, like me, you typically like to play the "Christian walk" safe?

Go to church.

Read your bible.

Pray for others.

(And if we are really radical!!!!) Go on a mission trip.

And for the rest of the day...its all about "me"

My schedule.

My plans.

My complaints.

My comforts.

"whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did"

-1 John 2:6

What did Jesus do?

Love.

How did Jesus love?

He gave.

Loving by giving.

There it is!

The perfect and simple direction for our lives. 

This doesn't just mean money.

No, we should be giving our time, our resources & the truth we learn.

Unfortunately, we have a habit of being takers.

And we have to actively practice being the givers.

And many days, we just don't wake up in time for practice.

But taking & keeping all the time.

It's unattractive.

It's unfulfilling.

It's forgettable.

Am I right?

Who looks at someone who only takes & thinks "Wow I really wish I was more like them!"

I think we may admire their stuff.

But I don't think we admire who they are.

I cannot tell you...how many...sorority T-shirts I collected in one year.

It's embarrassing.

My drawers were actually so stuffed with them, I had to make a special storage box for them in my bathroom.

Wanna know how many of them I actually wear?

Two.

Disclaimer: I'm not really a "t-shirt wearing" kinda person.

HOWEVER, I know for sure, NO ONE on earth needs the amount of T-shirts I had. 

Why did I do this?

$15, $20, $25 down the sorority drain every other week because...

I HAD TO HAVE ANOTHER LARGE CORAL COMFORT COLOR TSHIRT!!!...in my drawer.

When we are bogged down with so many good things, 

more things than we need,  

life is cluttered.

Where is the joy found in an overpacked dresser?

Who comes into my room and admires that overpacked dresser?

Why does that fulfilling feeling go so quickly after we buy another purse, a better phone, a bigger bed?

And why do none of these things ever seem to stop the tears when life gets hard?

One day this summer my best friend had an amazing, inspiring idea.

She wanted to start making lunches for the homeless.
("gourmet lunches" as she called them)

It cost us a grand total of $15 to make five meals, all with four courses and a drink.

Less than a sorority shirt.

Unlike my last date event T-shirt design, I will never forget the look of those people faces who we encountered through this experience.

And I still get a warm feeling thinking about it.

Yet it was such a simple sacrifice we made.

Nothing to even slightly boast about.

But it's that feeling that counts.

It is the perspective I gain.

It's the freeing.
It makes life feel a little more meaningful 
and closer to Him.

I'm not a perfect giver and I know that.

But gaining the knowledge and truth about "loving by giving" has redirected my life goals in incredible ways.

I have figured out that the "$100,000 and over" paying salary will never make me happy.

That being able to buy every new iPhone,

own a huge, well-furnished, two story home,

or pay for two international vacations a year,

will never satisfy me in the end.

In Crazy Love, Francis explains us perfectly..."we like to find refuge in what we already have rather than in what we hope God will provide"

God calls us to "surrender everything."

God tells us to trust Him when we do.

He will be our refuge.

Despite your pride, fear, friends and family telling that you've given enough,

sacrificed enough,

done enough...

It's about listening to the Lord telling you to keep on giving,

Every day.

And in faith and trust, believing you are able.

And from this you will see more God.

Experience more joy.

Find more blessings.

And be more happy. 

Give liberally and be ungrudging when you do so, for on this account the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in all that you undertake. 
-Deuteronomy 15:10

He Doesn't Need Me?

Read something interesting in my book, Crazy Love, today.

"God doesn't need us."

What?!?!

Okay, noooo. What?! Not right. That is wrong-oh, Francis Chan, I do so much?!?

Has God not seen me on my mission trips?

I can count them on both hands, if you would like?

Has God not witnessed me volunteering at the church?

You try convincing fifteen screaming two year olds to calm down and color?

What about the homeless men we gave lunch to on the drag?

Heck, I put fresh avocado on those sandwiches. Dang.

Pfffh, What do you mean "God doesn't need me", Franny?

And THAT is my immediate reaction. 

Francis Chan, youre just a crazy asian!

Then I continue reading...

One chapter goes by...

Shoot.

Yes he is crazy.

But he's also right.

I hate when that happens. 

God really doesn't need anything from you and I.

He is the one constantly giving,

And when I actually force myself to STOP and look perspectively at my life,

I am the one constantly receiving. 

The "list of blessings" goes on forever.

How bout just two of them?

The bed and food.

I wake up every morning in a bed. 

Like if that isn't enough for me to SHOUT HIS NAME IN GLORY,

Idk what is. 

I am currently eating a breakfast.

One time we were serving the homeless breakfast 

A certain man made my day.

He took the food I served,

he looked me straight in the eye,

told me how thankful he was,

and told me to "Have a blessed day with The Lord."

How often do people do that?

Not enough.

And then there is me...

Oh gosh.

I come home from college

I look in the pantry.

There is no peanut butter.

The world ends.

"OMG MOM!!! HOW ON EARTH CAN I EAT A BANANA WITH PB, MOM?!?"

That is just embarrassing, Kelly.

So God showers us with blessings and yet, sometimes, we still crave the spotlight on us. 

"So today, I did ____ for God.

I was so nice to this guy who bugs me.

I volunteered as an usher in church.

I was quick to listen, slow to anger.

And I'm exhausted! Like omg. Hard day.

Where's the peanut butter?"

But here is the thing.

When we change the reason we serve,

none of it feels exhausting or hard.

When we serve out of fear,

out of duty,

or because of what we think we will receive in return,

working in His Name...feels like work.

When we serve out of our intimate love for Him

serving can actually be added to our "list of blessings"

Love inspired working, feels like love.

We find even more joy and peace in our service.

We benefit way more than we imagine.

So there we go, receiving again.

But the Lord made it that way.

"It is better to give than to receive"

-Acts 20:35

We are trained to believe self-indulgence will make us our true happiest. 

Ha. But when has it ever?

Think about it.

After that shopping spree,

after I buy that $100 dress from Free People,

the new iPhone,

that gourmet meal,

OMG the organic all-natural, no GMO, $5 extra peanut butter?!?!

Was I happy?

For a moment, oh yeahhhhhh.

Next moment, what dress? 

That's how it always works for me. 

Earth is tricky.

Everyday again I'm tempted to rampantly self indulge,

when really the greatest Joy comes from the opposite.

And every time I do the opposite,

I am tempted to take credit,

to let Him or others know what I have done.

Now I am reminded,

He doesn't need me.

But He wants me.

Yeah, I might obey his commands every once in a while,

But I also disappoint Him everyday.

Yet, He forgives me,

and loves me enduringly.

I am the lucky one.

All He asks is that I seek Him daily.

And all the sacrifices I could give, 

loving others,

not lying,

being patient,

not gossiping,

going to church,

sharing my faith,

Even a three year mission to work in Africa,

will never compare to the great sacrifice He, Himself, gave to us. 

"And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else."

-Acts 17:25

Cries of Strength

The Psalms have endless evidence of the joy, peace & happiness a normal, everyday person (yes a psalmist was a human being) can receive from the riches of our Father. 

And it's true!

After developing a true, loving, dependent relationship with Him, 

I have felt all these things.

You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

-Psalm 4:7-9

Wouldn't we love to believe THAT WAS IT? 

That all we would have to do is find ourselves in Him and establish that relationship and...

BAMMMM...

Our heart has great joy, 

we get to sleep in peace,

 dwell in safety, 

plus he mentioned something about grains and new wine? 

Awesome.

Yeah, that'd be pretty cool.

Problem is, 

pslams are ALSO full of evidence showing that we will experience "cries of pain"

"Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.

-Psalm 130: 1-2

*I remember the first time I cried to God. 

It was in college.

(*Key Word: "to God")

*Don't read that wrong. 

This first time I cried in general was not in college.

Ha. Trust me.

I cried probably a thousand times before that. 

To myself. In my bathroom, closet, car...

Lights off.

Dramatic set-up.

Tears a flowin. 

Maybe a sad tune turned on?

But to cry "to God" is a total different experience. 

Before coming to Christ, I would choose to cry to one of three people....

Myself

My sister

or my friends.

And even the latter two were difficult.

For me, it is easiest to cry to myself. 

No questions, no pity, no explanations.

By myself, I could cry, sleep, get over it.

All on my own.

Why did I think this was okay?

(because I like control, that's why.)

I have no answers to give myself?

No comfort to provide?

Like what?

Yet, I perfected the art of self-pity.

Many of us do.

Then I found the different way. 

Yes, "THE different way"

Not, "A different way"

THE way everyone is meant to do it.

20 years and a thousand cries later, I found it.

It was your average-Joe college morning.

Alarm off.

Lights on.

Roll out of bed.

Make food.

Look in mirror,

silent gasp.

Spend time with God.

In middle of prayer, realize I have homework to finish.

Cut "God-time" short.

 After this, I go into the bathroom to wash my face

I remember looking at myself,

totally dissatisfied already with the day

Days before this moment had been hard

Really hard.

School, life and my family were in the pits.

Self-esteem low.

Overwhelmingness high.

Then my roommate walks in...

("bursts in" actually)

Please try to imagine the complete opposite of me at this point

She is happy,

extremely happy.

Alive.

Excited.

Beautiful.

Wanna know why?

She just got the "best news EVERRR!" and the boy she liked asked her to a date function. 

Normally I could be totally genuinely, excited and happy for her.

This morning, not my thing

Yet somehow I managed an "OMG THIS IS THE GREATEST NEWS OF MY LIFE TOO!" face

She left.

I cried.

Not because of what she said.

Not because of any specific, singular reason.

Because I let this moment be "the tip of the iceberg"

Because I let the "Dam Gates of All that Felt Wrong in Life" open, 

and the floods rush in.

Finally, I let all the past weeks' worth of feelings hit me

All I needed was seeing someone truly enjoying, loving life to realize I hadn't been for weeks. 

Yet this time (as I mentioned before) was different...

I wasn't crying to myself.

I didn't call my sister for help.

I didn't SOS to my roommates that THE WORLD IS ENDING!!

I actually cried to Him.

I told Him how I was feeling.

I told Him I was sad.

I told Him I couldn't do it myself anymore.

I asked Him to make me happy again.

I begged Him to turn life around.

Crazy part...He did.

Literally,

 that day.

People could say I just "convinced myself happy"

Nope.

I knew that wasn't true.

Never in my life had I had the ability to "convince myself happy"

Not a "genuine happy" at least. 

You know that feeling in your innermost soul when life just feels so good?

Kinda like when the food finally gets to the table?

I held onto that constant feeling all day long...and days after that.

Being able to love the day was BACK.

And loving people was easy.

That fight with my parents was in the past.
I remembered how blessed I was for them.

In fact, I started again to notice all the blessings I had;

The amazing friends.

The church.

The school.

The home.

The family.

And the feeling didn't fade. 

Not for awhile at least.

That's the thing.

In this world, you will have trouble

Time and time again.

That's life.

It's how we deal with our trouble that defines us

Who do we run to first?

Our friends?

Our family?

Ourselves?

How bout taking our troubles to the one who has already overcome the world?

Who has already experienced all the pain.

Who loves us so much more than to let us suffer. 

If we do this, we will not grow weary

In fact, if we do this...

when we give it ALL to Him,

we may just find more strength 

Opening the Door

"OH MY GOSH. NO NO NO WHAT?! Running sucks! Yuck."

Oh that is just the average response I get from people when I tell them I love to run. 

But don't worry...that was my first thought, too, when I started. 

I didn't come into this world loving to run. 

That's silly, who would?

In fact, when I decided in high school to try it out...I hated it.

I couldn't make it half a block without the consideration of stopping,

 without finding my first side cramp, shin splint, headache, etc., 

without wondering..."is this really worth it?"

Because that's the real-life, daily question, right?

"Is it worth it?"

We really wouldn't feel obligated to do much of anything if that something wasn't worth it.

School

Work

Getting dressed up

Going to the gym

He

She

Church

It

Is _____ really worth it?

You fill in the blank.

Sometimes we are forced to do things (dishes...yuck)

Sometimes we have a choice.

Running was my choice

Not once did anyone ever tie me down, force tennis shoes on my feet and push me out the door

I wasn't even on a team.

I didn't have the coach yelling at me from the sidelines to "KEEP IT UP, KELLY!"

I am honestly shocked I never gave it up?

But have you heard of the saying..."It doesn't get easier, you just get better."?

Exactly. 

Running was, is, and always will be difficult. 

But when something is worth it, you work for it. 

And when youre work at something, it becomes more natural. 

"OH MY GOSH. NO NO WHAT?! Christians suck. Yuck." 

Okay i've never gotten that specific response, but you get the point.

Just like running, my relationship with Jesus has always been a choice.

I was not born loving Him

However, I was born TO love Him

In fact, He created all of us to love Him...

He puts in us (whether we know it or not) a deep, longing desire to love him.

But He also made us with a certain free will...

And it is because of this "free will" that we fill that "deep, longing desire" with everything but Him.

Money, clothes, our job, our grades, that boy, the gym, etc.  

God has given us a choice 

And during the time we are deciding, "Is God really worth it?" or "Is that $200 purse really worth it?"

By our door, he waits

He knocks

He stands

He waits

It is our choice to open it.

It took me 18 or so years to fully open my life to The Lord.

I think I cracked it occasionally.

I think I pretended I had it open for awhile.  

I think sometimes I even bolted it shut. 

At first, just like running, being a Christian felt exhausting.

I just couldn't live up to what I thought a Christian should be.

I lied

I drank

I cheated

I envied

I indulged

The list actually never ends...

You name it, I probably did it. 

You name it, I probably still do.

For a long time I wanted God
I didn't know I needed Him, but I wanted Him

However, I also wanted to get my act together before letting Him in.
I wanted to be worthy of Him
To be at least a little less sinful

I wanted to say, "The waters are fine now God, you can come on in!!"

Surprise, surprise, that's not how it works

It took all my faults, troubles, sins wrapped up in a big, gross mess of a life and 20 years later for me to finally figure it out.

To find my need for Him,

to actually love Him. 

To swing my door wide open and say, "Come on in Jesus Christ, the waters are awful and the time is now!"

And finding Him this way finally brought me rest

To truly love Him was to finally satisfy my soul

And guess what?

When your door is open,

when you pursue Him above all other things,

when life becomes less about you and more about Him,
Guess what I found out?

 That deep, longing feeling...

(that feeling you and I tried/failed to satisfy with money, food, boys, grades, clothes, drinks, people)

...yeah, it's finally fulfilled.

Crazy, right?

"For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."

-Matthew 16:25

CAUTION:

Running to Him in love isn't easy.

Sometimes I even try to close my door

But in time I've gotten better. 

And when I do...oh gosh...

I feel better

I love better

I listen, act, speak, appreciate, give thanks...all BETTER. 

I think I might even look better?

And life just feels...not good....better. 

Fighting the Good Fight

The idea for starting this blog came by this section right here. 

Devotionals. 

I naturally wake up so dang early.

When I experienced a true & real restoration in my life this past year, I decided at some point to turn my early mornings into my official "Jesus & Me" time. 

Keep Out. 

That being said, most mornings for the past year of my life have basically always began with a cup of coffee and devotional. 

Its a different every morning. 

Sometimes I listen to a podcast sermon, sometimes I open up randomly in my bible, sometimes I read Captivating (SIDE NOTE: every girl in the world should read it)...etc. 

Sometimes I don't do anything...
I'm not perfect here

I am incredibly blessed with a missional community right in my home. 

For the past year, three of my best friends and I have been growing in faith together by sharing our daily devotionals with each other 

When God's words really speak to us, when they move us, we just HAVE to share it. 

And through one of us, all of us are encouraged.

That's how community works.

Anyways...my real hope for this blog is that one day someone may read the words He gives me and be encouraged and strengthened like I am. 

Like my friends are.

I am always dying, itching, drawn to sharing what has changed my life this year...

That only by our faith in Him is daily Joy & contentment found. 

Yet I can't tell you how often (aka everyday) I am tempted to put my faith in other things...boys, my family, my friends, exercise, boys, school, food, money, clothing, boys? And more often than not, these things disappoint me. 
Shocker. 

But I think God gets it. I think He knows His people are wired this way. 

If we weren't, why would our first commandment be to have "No God before [Him]"?

It is only because we are more prone to trust the SEEN rather than the UNSEEN. 

I want to touch it, feel it, see it, be assured it is with me. 

And that is where faith comes in. 

That is where faith develops. 

By letting go and trusting what we cannot see. 

But when I take a look down memory lane, I can see it. 

I actually marvel at what faith has done for me. 

What darkness He took me out of when I truly gave it all to Him.

What light He showed me when I gave Him the huge, heavy yoke I carried on my shoulders for years and years and years...

I'm really not THAT much of an emotional person, but sometimes I cry just thinking about it. 

And how can I just keep this to myself everyday?

Your testimony and your spiritual knowledge is something to be shared, not hidden.

So this blog is destined to be about my faith. 

About the daily knowledge I blessed with and moved by. 

It's all about "fighting the good fight of FAITH"(1 Timothy 6:12)

Before you strap on your body armor, grab your sword, and battle cry to the world, 
"THIS IS FOR YOU GOD!!!!!!"....
you should know that this isn't a fight for God. 

This isn't a battle God is telling us to jump into and wreck havoc upon. 

No, this is a fight for rest. For relaxation. And for peace. 

And I take it because honestly I'm tired of fighting.

If youre searching for a man of better faith than me, just go look at Romans 4:18. 

Abraham is the one.

Against all odds and in all circumstances he believed.

He did not just believe IN God, but believed God. 

That's most of our problem. Yeah we believe God, but do we really trust in what He says?

What God said, Abraham believed.

God said, "Hey Abraham, you're 100 years old, you are probably aching all over and your wife's womb is dead but youre gonna start a new nation! Okay?"

Makes no sense to believe, right?

Abraham did.

"...in hope against hope he believed"

That is faith. 

When God tells you something, 

when He offers one thousand promises in the bible, 

when He says He will move the mountains, 

when He tells you to come to Him all who are weary and you will find rest...

Faith is believing Him.

It will happen.

It did for me. 

Promise after promise after promise, we need to hear it and say Amen.

That my friends, is Faith.